I’ll die without you.

So, we’re now 5 months in. As stated by now I’m constantly anxious and have the feeling of things ‘just not sitting right’ The examples I gave on my last post ie the meal and the phone are 2 of very many and alone they don’t qualify as control. You might be sat reading thinking ‘well he didn’t do anything wrong, this is all in her head’ I don’t blame you. That’s what I thought (and to some extent still do think) too. That’s why it was impossible to relate my anxiety to anything he had done.

However,CG was a very angry man. He had little control over his temper. I will point out here that he NEVER lifted a finger to myself or L. Never physically harmed us. But he was angry. At his ex wife, at people at work, some of his family, people he knew, companies he felt had screwed him over….the list goes on. I took the brunt of that anger. Not necessarily directed at me but nonetheless I was the scapegoat for his anger. Again, this didn’t sit right with me. I shy away from confrontation whenever I can. I like a quiet life. I realise now that all his pent up anger even though it wasn’t me that was making him angry (at that point) was having an effect on me. It all added to my constant anxiety.

This particular day he had a phone call from a company that said he owed money. To be fair, he didnt. His ex wife did but she had rigged it all in his name (apparently. I didnt question it at the time though I would question it now) He starts screaming into the phone. (Understandable I thought at the time) the phone call ended with no solution found. I remember sitting on his bed listening to his (I thought justified) fury. I tried to calm him down. Big mistake! The anger was then directed at me. “How would you like it if this happened to you…I can’t believe you’re sat there taking sides with them….where’s your loyalty” etc. His anger was now full on directed at me and I was well and truly taking the brunt of it. And one thing about CG. He didnt let things lie. This anger at me carried on and on and on. I was now the person who deserved his wrath. I was the person that had done him wrong (by trying to support him) During the verbal attack on me something snapped in me. I couldnt take the drama and the anger anymore. Bear in mind this wasn’t a one off, his anger showed itself every day. There was always a drama going on and he was always the victim in it.

I told him I was done. I told him I couldn’t take his anger anymore. I left. An hour later he called me. Said “I’m sorry for what I’ve just done, say goodbye to everyone for me” WTF???? I asked  him what he’d done. He’d slit his wrists. I jumped in my car whilst keeping him on speaker phone and screaming down the phone “stay awake! Speak to me! Oh God please don’t die” etc. He said nothing. Stayed silent. Let me think he was dead. HE LET ME THINK HE WAS DEAD!

When I got to his house he was fully conscious. He had been fully able to speak to me on the phone but instead he let me think he was dead! He and his bedroom were like something out of a horror movie. Blood everywhere. I’ll add at this point that L was due to be dropped off there within an hour. I couldnt ask for him to go to my parents or anyone else because it was his birthday treat with 2 of his friends  in 2 hours and we had to get to the venue. So there I am bandaging him up as best I can (he refused hospital) whilst hiding duvet covers covered in blood and scrubbing walls and floors of dried on blood. Never knowing when my son would walk through the door! My 7 year old son!

And that, was the day I became well and truly trapped.

That was the day when he knew he had full control. He knew I would not risk having his suicide on my conscience and more so would not risk having to sit my boy down and tell him CG,  who he still adored, had died.

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